Writing my emotions
I’m not always happy.
Even when I’m smiling
I’m not happy.
There’s something wrong.
Something isn’t right.
I don’t like this place,
But it’s my own mind.
It’s getting dark inside.
I need some light.
Where’s the air?
Why can’t I breathe?
I need something to hold.
I need someone.
Something’s not right.
That smile on my face,
It’s not mine.
Who’s is it?
See my truth.
Someone look through the mask.
Someone pull it aside.
Someone pull me out.
Help me escape.
Help me get out.
All I want is to talk,
But you want to tell me
About the explicit things
That you want to do to me.
All I want is to be seen
For the person that I am,
Not for my face or eyes
Or long legs that you like.
Al I want is to be loved
And to have friends
Who see me for who I am
Not for how I look.
All I want is to love
Without any lust,
Without hurting,
Or without getting hurt.
All I want is to be heard,
For my true voice to be let out,
But you won’t talk
Unless there’s something in it for you.
All I want is to be human,
But you want me to be
One of your possessions
That you keep on your arm.
Have you seen her cry?
She doesn’t look ‘pretty’.
Her face is red,
and her eyes are puffy.
Have you seen her bleed?
She isn’t always okay.
Her blood is red,
and her hands tremble.
Have you seen her take off her mask?
She isn’t always happy.
Her eyes are sad too,
and her tears are real.
Have you seen her look perfect?
She doesn’t have to be.
Her beauty lies in imperfection,
and her scars show it.
But, have you seen her truly smile?
She doesn’t hide it.
Her smile is flawless,
and it’s like a thousand suns shining.
Have you heard her really laugh?
She doesn’t suppress it.
Her laugh is contagious,
and it’s fucking amazing.
Where, oh where, did my innocence go?
Is it that dark basement,
where you tried to grope
parts of me that hadn’t yet bloomed?
Where, oh where, did my softness go?
Is it in that ugly room,
where you manhandled me
in ways I didn’t know to exist?
Where, oh where, did my period go?
Is it in that school hallway,
where you sexually assaulted me
and had the authorities cover up?
Where, oh where, did my achievements go?
Are they in that little tube-well room,
where you sedated and molested me
because Daddy was running late?
Where, oh where, did my life go?
Is it in that temple,
where you hid me and raped me
because I was a girl and you a ‘man’?
Where, oh where, did your conscience go?
Is it in that womb,
where you were nurtured for nine months
so that you could become a rapist?
Where, oh where, did your control go?
Is it under that roof,
where your sister and mother seek you
to protect them, but you’re busy raping?
Where, oh where, did your heart go?
Is it in your ‘tool’,
where you’re waiting for it to be chopped
and fed to the dogs because you raped someone?
picture courtesy: Pinterest
they told me i was over reacting
i was trying to express myself
they told me i was making a fuss
i held back another sob
they told me to behave
i didn’t want to listen
to their demands
when they chose to ignore mine
they told me not to shout
but how could i not
when every minute they spoke words
which stabbed my heart like stakes
they told me i couldn’t
so i didn’t
they told me to be me
but bound me in restrictions
they didn’t understand
how it felt to be crashing against rocks
through a storm they created
and trying to get out alive
they told me i wasn’t loved
then they chose to ignore me
and i needed to let out my frustration
so i spoke harmless words
they yelled at me for speaking
because other things were more important
while i suppressed another sob
and i hid away in the darkness
they pointed out my flaws
said i was a disappointment
didn’t listen to a word i had to say
and i sobbed in the bathroom
they didn’t hear
i didn’t let them hear
didn’t tell them out of fear
that they might yell at me some more
they want no reason
to be angry
so i will cut away
the one reason they have
Throw down your guns,
toss aside every bullet.
She doesn’t need your holes,
she feels hollow already.
Get rid of every sharp thing,
you’ve used at her.
She’s looking for them now,
she wants to slit her wrists.
All your words strtuck her,
in her heart like lightning.
They were like thunder,
to the scared girl inside.
Those flaws you saw on her skin,
they’re reflections of your own.
She’s always been flawless,
she thinks otherwise, though.
Everything you said or did,
might not have been visible to your eyes.
She knows she’s not okay,
she has scars on the inside of her.
“hang on”
i said
“to what?”
he asked
“keep going”
i told him
“Alright”
he replied
“you can”
i tried
“hopefully”
he didn’t believe
and today,
he said those words
to me
but i didn’t reply
And today
my thoughts overpowered me
i didn’t react
i didn’t care
“hang on”
“keep going”
“you can”
but i couldn’t
nothing to hang onto
nothing to keep going for
i didn’t see another way
I’m sorry it happened
i stopped caring
long ago
but now
i stopped feeling too
text showed up
on a lit screen
never to find a reply,
my fingers were cold.
She was alone,
but not for long.
She tried hiding under the blanket,
but the shadow appeared in the doorway.
She tried to keep quiet,
but a whimper escaped her.
She tried to stay still,
but her body still shivered.
She tried to stop him,
but his hands were unstoppable.
She tried to cover herself,
but he ripped off her clothes.
She tried to say “no”,
but all she let out were tears.
She wanted him to go,
but he forced himself onto her.
She couldn’t bear the pain,
but he wouldn’t stop.
She sobbed and moaned,
but he didn’t care.
She finally pushed him away,
but he didn’t leave just yet.
She saw him pull out his belt,
but didn’t see what came next.
She was bruised and bloody,
he tightened the porous end around his fist.
She shakily pulled the blanket over her naked self,
he walked out of the room, smugly.
She cried softly while dressing herself,
but never let him hear.
She knew her wounds would heal, maybe scar,
but she would never get used to this hurt
I looked at him,
into his eyes.
I rarely ever did,
but I couldn’t control it.
Maybe it was instinct.
I helped him get ready,
I had lovingly picked out
his clothes for the evening,
down to his tie and cuff-links.
Maybe it was instinct.
I watched him gel his hair,
tie his shoelaces,
and pull on his coat
over a crisp, white shirt.
Maybe it was instinct.
I shut the door afterhim,
almost immediately wanting him to return.
A knock on the door
told me he did.
Maybe it was instinct.
He pocketed his phone,
said he forgot something, and with a smile,
hugged me and dropped a kiss on my head,
and then he left.
Maybe it was instinct.
I sat on the edge of my chair,
fidgeted with my clothes.
I got up to do some work,
then sat back down.
Maybe it was instinct.
I picked up my phone,
sent him a message,
“hey honey, come back soon,
I’d love to be by your side today.”
Maybe it was instinct.
Half an hour later,
he called me.
“I’ll be home in a couple of hours,
hang tight, don’t worry.”
Maybe it was instinct.
“Alright, but i don’t know why,
something seems off today.”
Then i knew it.
I heard it, loud and clear.
Maybe it was instinct.
“Maa” he whispered,
as soon as i heard the shot.
He moaned, fell,
And I did too.
Maybe it was instinct.
Then I pictured it,
His beautiful face filled with agony,
his white shirt soaked red.
his life slipping away from him.
Maybe it was instinct.
The day that I once cherished,
Now had a different reason
to be etched in my mind forever,
with me till I died, like him.
Maybe it was instinct.
It was his birthday,
the happiest day of his life,
now the saddest of mine.
He was gone, I was empty.
Maybe it was instinct.
~~~~
Thousands of mothers lose their children to terrorism, crime and other ruthless murderers. This was a brief story of a boy going out to celebrate his birthday with his friends, but his mother’s instinct warned her that something could go wrong. Like several children who were gunned down by terrorists in restaurants in Indian metropolitan cities like Bangalore and Mumbai IRL, he too was killed at the venue. And all his mother could to was to hear her child’s life slowly slip away from him, breath by breath.
She looked at the bathtub,
it was filling up with color.
She peered closer and smiled,
she could smell it too now.
This was the scent,
that would cover them both.
She sat on the edge,
waiting for him.
When he casually strolled in,
she embraced him with a longing.
The water fizzled and shifted as they got in,
never letting go of one another.
Steam rose from the warm water,
and the mirror was too foggy to look into.
But they didn’t need it,
they just needed each other.
The moment was theirs,
sitting there in the tub,
They held each other tight,
while bath-bombs fizzed around them.
She whispered, “always stay here,
never leave me, be mine”.
He kissed her, and then said,
“all yours, forever and always”.
(picture via Pinterest)
Random Thoughts of Sushi 